Gypsy Child

I was reading a post called “Free Range Children-Just look East”.

The blogger wrote about a debate he participated in at college. The question was: should first world countries be obligated to make third world countries more westernized?

He was on the No side of the debate when actually he felt the answer was a definite yes. This was until he began to prepare for the debate. I loved the questions he asks at the debate. He held up a picture of a smiling Indian child and asks, “Does this child laugh any less than a child in a first world country? Will all the wealth that comes with a First World existence make this child’s smile any wider?” The other side took pause at this but ended up winning. I felt that had the judges really thought about these questions he would of won the debate.

Just as a child can be loved and happy anywhere; a child can also be crushed anywhere, anyplace if those caring for them are cold hearted and do not take time to listen and love.

My son, 17, listens to his I-touch a lot. The computer is also a good friend of his. He spends many hours researching movies he wants to write and direct someday soon.

One day he turned off all his electronics and just laid down to clear his head to allow the thoughts-his thoughts only-to play in his head.

Latter that day, he was telling me how profound that experience was for him. I realized I could of told him a million times to just turn it all off and all he would of done was thought I was annoying.

I set the lure by doing yoga and meditating, by talking about how those experiences work for me when the subjects come up in our conversation, which we have often.

You know how we say, “I hope someday they get it”.

Well…he got it. ♥

What does the smiling Indian child have to do with the 17 year old that learned to appreciate silence?

Love, nothing but love. 

My first thought when I heard about Madlyn Primoffs crime was “Hey, I’ve done that”.

Here’s what she did:
She ordered her two daughters, 10 and 12, to get out of the car and walk home. They were three miles from home.

Here’s what I did:
Driving home halfway down on our long dirt road, my son was whining and would not stop. I stopped the car and made him get out. He was four. I slowly drove home while he cried a safe distance from car. My plan was to let him back in the car shortly but he fell in a mud puddle therefore he had to walk whole way home. This was not pleasant for him but not torturous either.

Here’s where she lived:
White Plains, NY in an upscale suburb

Here’s where I lived:

In the countryside of St John, Virgin Islands

This is what I think of Madlyn Primoff:

She was a frustrated mother who decided to try something new. It was a little radical but not a crime. Her daughter over reacted and is probably sorry or not. The mother probably would of felt she finally took a hold of the situation and taught them they do not run things, or not.  (This would have been if the police did not become involved). The kids were probably in a safe neighborhood and very well knew their way around, or not.

This is what I think of me:

I was calm when I put my son out of the car. I watched him with love and not anger. I washed him up and loved him up when we got home and never apologized for my action. I was very happy the next time he started his whining while I was trying to drive and I said “Do you want to walk” and he instantly stopped the flow of tears and stopped the whining.

This is what I know of Madlyn’s girls:

Nothing!

This is what I know of my son:

He is a well-adjusted, delightful (yes delightful) 17 yr old that loves to hear the story of when he walked home covered in mud.

As a side note, I would like to thank Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids, Mothers handbook, , Parenting with Duck Tape for their inspiration.

should I stay or should I go

Growing up in St John has many advantages and disadvantages. I always felt it was an ideal place to be until your teenage years. Some teens may argue with me about this and actually I could come up with a few good arguments myself. This would be me arguing with myself.

The beach is a great daytime activity for anyone of any age. There are walks on the beach and trails close to the beach for young and old; there is windsurfing, sailing, and body surfing. Depending on the weather there is surfing, skim boarding, and kite surfing. When you add an actual boat into the picture then you have dinghies, motorboats, jet skis and sailboats. A boat can pull you by ropes to wake boards and ski. You can go spear fishing and scuba diving. 

A lot of this takes money and if the moneys not there these kids still find a way; they work for the vendors for trade of their boats, they find friends with boats or they just hang out at the beach.

Most the high schools have football, basketball, and baseball, cross country running and volleyball. Most kids go to St Thomas for high school. There is one school that goes up to twelfth grade, the Gift Hill School. This was not there when my oldest two were of high school age. It went to twelfth grade about six years ago.

The out of school sports programs come and go. Some years there is an active soccer or baseball program, some years nothing. This varies depending on who’s living on the island and willing to put in a lot of time. It is all put together independent of any state or school program.

The two longest lasting programs on St John are KATS- Kids At The Sea and the Steel Pan programs. The steel pan programs happen both in the school system and out. KATS is a sailing program where the kids, ages 8 to 18, get together every Saturday for a few hours in the morning and learn water safety skill, learn how to row a boat and then learn to sail first with Optimus then Lasers then Sunfish.  Volunteers run this.  Both programs have done so much for so many.

There also is the 8 Tuff miles race that happens every February. This is for all ages. The youth on the Island like to take it up as a challenge. Some just run it that day while others will train for it. There are three shorter runs a few weeks and then a few days prior to prepare runners for the big day. 

You can see the daytime activities are plentiful. The real problem arises at night. Your choices are pretty much either hang out at a friend’s house or in Cruz Bay. I shouldn’t forget the basketball courts. There is one in Cruz Bay that sometimes is closed due to water, and another in Coral Bay that is sometimes closed due to the owners (Moravian church) fearful of being sued. 

There are a lot of drugs and alcohol on the island. It is not unrealistic to say some of the parents are the problem here. Some of the non-local parents first came to St John to escape something and with that escape came the use of alcohol or/and drugs to aid the escape. Some of the local parents never got to escape anywhere so they use alcohol or/and drugs to do just that. I did see many fall into this type of escape and many not be able to get back out. I also know many parents that are not into any of this.

It is not uncommon to see a 16 year old at a bar hanging out. All ages are allowed in the bars. They do check ID when you buy the drink but often a friend who is 18 will buy the drink and pass it over. Eighteen is the legal drinking age.

This is not to say they all do it. Some bypass the alcohol/drug activity. I know a few that avoid the whole scene by not being very social in the evening. They run around like crazy during the day and you never see them at night. Others are very social in the evening and just choose to refrain from drugs and alcohol.

Advantages: beach/water activities, being such a small island causes all ages to interact and get along, the small size of the island also causes many to have your back, a lot of culture still intact.

Disadvantages: so small you can get bored of doing the same thing over and over, not as many cultural activities (example: theater, museums, large stadium sports, theme parks).

I have to say that since living in the states for the last four years we rarely do any of these cultural activities, they are either too expensive or too long of a drive. The kids seem to be occupied with school, after school sports, movie and hanging out at shopping malls. The beach seems to only happen for those fortunate to live very close until they get their drivers license. My son who fishes does that anywhere there is water.

I have lived in the states and on the Island of St John with my teens. As you can see, the argument as to which is better is an ongoing one. If a child is vulnerable he will find trouble anywhere. If a child is solid he will stay out of trouble anywhere.

When my son was getting into lots of trouble in St John, I sent him to the states to a Quaker boarding school. It was a 130 acre forested school where they gardened and lived in cabins. The Quaker philosophy is peace. Every day started with group silence then into group discussion. It opened up his world and made it a lot bigger with more possibilities. Getting off the island to travel and see different cultures and meet different people can do this, weather it is one week or a few years.

My suggestion to parents of all types of teens would be: steer them toward wholesome activities and keep loving them.

What does your child dream of, what do they fear? It really is such an individual thing. Keep paying attention to them even when you feel they are old enough to handle things on their own. Everyone wants to be noticed, keep noticing them and guiding them when you can.

So what did this argument accomplish?

• A reminder to keep paying attention? 
• The fact that it is a very individual decision?
• The realization that in the end you might just make the wrong decision? 
• The realization that in the end you just might make the right decision?

All the above.

By the way, what were we arguing about?

This post was taken from my other blog-gypsychant.com

One afternoon when I was giving my 17 year old son a back massage, he said to me “I bet not many others in my school are being massaged by there mom right now” then he paused and said, “ I am sure no one is being massaged by their parent” then he thought about this for a moment and concluded with, “That’s to bad.”

As a side note I do have to say this massage thing is not a daily event. He does have to plead and beg a bit. But generally speaking I do massage him about once every two weeks. These are not full body massages. It depends on how generous I am feeling at that moment. Some days it is a foot massage, some days it is a foot massage with lotion, some days it will be a back massage while he is sitting on his chair at his desk and very rarely a full body massage. I have graced all four of my children with this gift, this gift for them and for me. I really feel it brings me closer to them.

Parents don’t touch their children enough; they send them off in the morning and in the evening they are doing dinner and clean up and getting ready for the next day. This disconnect is having a strong effect on the family unit, trust me when I say it is not a positive effect. There are many ways to keep the family unit healthy. Massage is one of them.

I feel the disconnect starts at birth and carries on unintentionally throughout a child’s life. The list is great in the infant category. I could write a whole book on this but don’t need to because many before me have already done just that. I will only speak of one pet peeve. Ever since car seats became mandatory there has been a giant upswing in babies being carried in plastic seat almost everywhere. Have you seen the car seats that turn into seats you can carry with you? I cringe when I see that, I want to pick up the baby and hold it next to my heart. I love car seats, don’t get me wrong, but we have overdone it. The car seat was started to protect the child, the misuse is actually hurting the child. A child needs touch, a lot of touch. Their little bodies are designed to be touched almost constantly until they reach the crawling stage; even then they are meant to be carried often. We use to carry them everywhere we went; now we have strollers and car seats.

There are many books, videos and even classes that teach infant massage. Infant massage is great but I think it should not stop when they reach past the toddler stage. I believe it is important throughout life, especially in the pre-teen and teen years. If you start from a young age, being massaged is natural to them when they are older, but does this mean you cannot start in the teen years because you missed the boat. The answer is a giant no. Start out small, ask your teen if there feet hurt, tell them you would be happy to massage their feet. If they say ‘no, its ok’, then let them know again that you think it would help relax them and you really would like to see how it works for them. You could even say you want a little practice. What you will find is that massage helps the parent bridge the gap to communication. A child will open up when feeling safe in your care.

Parents are tired. I know how tired it can all get. The last thing you think you want to do is put more energy out after a full day. If anything you want someone to put energy into you-someone to massage you. Here’s the thing: once you set up the space (a yoga mat, a few pillows and your set) every one gets a little quieter, a little softer. You talk softer, or not at all. Let the child decide. Parents should start to pay attention to the child’s breath. If you are giving a back massage you should notice the breath moving the back up and down. How tight or loose is the movement? It is an indication of the child letting tension out of their body. So the parent breathes and the child breathes. Everything slows down. Things that are bottled up can gently release. Now hears the catch. You thought you were too tired to massage the child but suddenly you feel calmer yourself and more energized. You are exchanging touch yourself. So not only does it benefit the child but also it benefits you. Loving your child makes you feel better, more satisfied that you did what you set out to do when you first had a child-love them. That’s really all you thought about when you reflected on the child before it was born. You thought about loving them. Not all the other busy things that came along. So go back to that original thought and love your child. Love them in this very moment. See how much better that feels. You had a quiet moment with your child, even if you talked; it had a rhythm to it. It had a release from the breath and a release of emotions for both of you. For your child it was a release of all the muscle strain from having to sit in awkward seats, carrying backpacks, sports, and the list goes on.

So the mother (or father) thought she did not have the energy for this but now she is more energized. You have temporary peace in the home and a happy child, which is our goal for this society. Ahh!! This is the ‘breath releasing’ sort of ahh.

One more thing, your intention is important. Think positive thoughts and if you can’t be positive because your day was just too stressful then think no thoughts. Just think about the breath. This is important. Let the child talk without them being judged. This is not a time to be judgmental, not a time to fix the problem, just a time to listen. Give them that time. Let them know you hear them. Exchange words; just exchange caring words. 

Our society needs this. It may not cure everything but it may cure something. That’s just it; it may cure something. A broken heart, a sore body, circulation in the body, loneliness, depression, anxiety, stress. These are big ills in our society. The time to start this is now. We no longer can wait. As harmful as global warming is for the earth, the opposite, body warming, is helpful to our souls.